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Basic Life Questions

by Ron Holdraker
April 9, 2022

I don’t know, maybe it’s because I have an inquisitive mind, but these questions seem to be whirling around my noggin.

• How come British people talk with heavy, weird English accents, but when they sing, they sing in American, understandable lyrics?

• Did cavemen ever suffer from hemorrhoids? If so, did they try to  change their diet?

• If you have millions of dollars in the bank, why do you push to make more millions when you can’t spend what you already have fast enough?

• How long after I dropped dead at home, would my three loving dogs feast on me like a can of meaty dog food? Hours, days?

• Who actually lives in that 5,000 square foot home, without any children and why?

• Why do cats purposely try to trip you by walking between and around your feet in the dark? 

• Also, why does that stupid cat feel it is necessary to knock a pencil across  the floor?

• Why, if I fight for dandelions eradication on my lawn,  do my neighbors seem to plant and encourage dandelions growth purposely?

• Why do grandchildren jump into my pool, then discover they have to pee?

• Why does that simple special three ingredient recipe that sounds great require the one ingredient I do not posses?

• Why do my dogs feel it necessary to sleep in my bedroom at night? Oh, yeah, cuz I allowed it in the beginning and now I can’t go back.

• Which insurance company has the best and funniest commercials? Talk among yourselves.

• Who actually purchases those exquisite gowns and dresses featured on red carpet entrances to the Emmy’s, and similar star award shows?

• Why in the hell does anybody watch those shows featuring rich and quasi-famous people congratulating themselves for making millions of dollars for two to three months of work?

• How can I get one of those jobs?

• Why do elderly people seem to fall for big money scams? You would think after watching the Dr. Phil show they would be a bit wiser by now.  

• Why do rich, yet ugly men have gorgeous arm candy and wives?

• The same for golfers, football players and hockey players. Why does it seem most arm candy types are long-haired blondes?

• How can the right size jeans seem to get tighter and tighter? 

• Where did cowboys on a cattle drive pee and poop? Who washed their underwear? Did they wear underwear?

• How did natives on old jungle shows and movies run through the jungle barefoot without stepping on thorns, or other foot piercing objects?

•  Who was the first human to get poison ivy and how did they get rid of it? Did they warn the rest of the family about that plant, or just get a laugh out of watching intense scratching?

• How do people in shows and movies wake up in the morning without pillow hair? Did you ever notice that after they had sex, they woke up in the morning with underwear/bras still on?

• Yeah and how does one explain morning kisses without retreating due to morning breath?

• Wouldn’t it be a sure fire money-maker for the inventor of puppy food who creates and leads, to make glow in the dark pee, poo, and throw-up?

• When will song writers run out of any possible new tunes, words, or emotions we have not already heard?

• Did William Shakespeare actually cover every possible plot and scenario in human life? 

• How did Indians in the New World light their dwellings at night before Old World appearances if they didn’t figure out candles? Were there a lot of house fires in Indian dwellings caused  by torches?

•  Which came first, the dinosaur or the egg?

• Why can’t Americans and the English agree on how to spell color/colour and so many other words? Why do the English like extra letters?

• Why do fancy restaurants and doctor’s offices have expensive towels and equipment, but use the cheapest one- ply toilet paper? 

• Who comes up with the names for all those new miracle prescription drugs we see advertised on TV?

•  Did you know you cannot alleve pain, only alleviate it?

• Who finally came out and said your armpits stink, leading to the creation of personal underarm deodorants?

•  Why did the British screw things up by driving cars on the wrong side of the road?

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