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Column: Newer Rules

by Dan Borrello
September 28, 2019

This writer has a new streaming show called “Overtime” on Roc Sports Network. You can “like” Roc Sports Network on Facebook and catch the show Monday nights at 7.

Longtime comic and political satirist, Bill Maher, has hosted a show called “Real Time” on HBO for well over a decade and not only has an “Overtime” segment on HBO.com, but has included a segment called “New Rules,” where he adds humorous ideas that he believes would help America.

We stole the idea for the world of sports.

So here are some rules that could make sports even better:

Newer Rule: The Bills Mafia wannabes (key word there) need to stop sending videos of hijinks to Barstool. They’re not laughing with you; they’re laughing at you. Recently, a fan was filmed lighting a Roman candle which blow-up in his face. Barstool asked for permission and it was submitted. This, on a day the Bills went 3-0 in its home opener, and the team honored the late Bills fan favorite, Ezra Castro, aka Poncho Billa. Leave it to the idiots to have to make it about themselves. Enough already.

Newer Rule: We can’t keep calling every Patriots game  where we think the Bills have their best chance to win, the “biggest” game of the last 20 years. That win in Miami at the end of 2017 was pretty big, wasn’t it? They beat New England in 2011, and nothing came of it. They lost twice to them in 2017, and made the playoffs. They beat them, albeit Bradyless in 2016, and Rex Ryan was canned right after Christmas. Wanna call it the “most anticipated” game? That’ll do. But, so was the 2015 Bills-Pats game. The results shouldn’t alter the pregame sentiment.

Newer Rule: Baker Mayfield needs to stop talking. This past week, the Browns 1-2 starter who appears to have spent more time filming commercials and shot-gunning beer than in his playbook over the offseason, ripped Rex Ryan for calling him overrated. Ryan has led two Jets teams to AFC Championship games. Baker? How about getting your career record over .500 before opening your mouth again. Sure, Ben Roethlisberger, Aaron Rodgers, and even Tom Brady have opened their mouths time to time, but, they’re Ben Roethlisberger, Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady. Those nine rings make your Heisman look as good as the other quarterback busts that preceded you.

Newer Rule: No more “openers” in baseball. There’s a reason these guys are bullpen pitchers. Nothing like increasing the odds of putting your team in a hole before your starter, the better pitcher, has to pitch from behind. Ask Clayton Kershaw what that was like during Game 7 of the 2017 World Series. And the Dodgers are an analytics-driven team. But, common sense proved that Yu Darvish couldn’t grip the ball for his slider and got grilled. But, those damn numbers... Darvish was a starter, not an opener, but the sentiment is the same: start the game with less than your best option, you live with the consequences.

Newer Rule: If you’re going to take a delay of game penalty to move your kicker back five yards before he can potentially miss a game-winning field goal, say it out loud to your players and staff so you can hear how ridiculous it sounds so you’re forced to think it over (Bruce Arians, Tampa Bay Buccaneers). Same goes for attempting a draw play on 4th-and-9 in the fourth quarter against the NFC champs (Freddie Kitchens, Cleveland Browns).

Newer Rule: It’s only OK to anoint an unheralded rookie quarterback as the next starter if the quarterback he’s replacing dresses for press conferences like Mrs. Doubtfire. (See: Allen, Kyle and Newton, Cam.)

Newer Rule: It’s OK to praise another underhanded rookie starter after only three appearances if he’s beating a flop, Heisman-winning, second-overall pick while wearing a mustache. (See: Minshew, Gardner and Mariota, Marcus.)

And finally, Newer Rule: If sports talk show hosts are actually any good at all, they shouldn’t need to open the lines up for callers. It’s a sign of pure laziness and seldom do these nicknamed goofs ever contribute any insight into a show, even if it is four hours.

Back next month with some new Newer Rules.

Tweet your hate @danborrello.

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