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I was waterboarded in my own home

by Ron Holdraker
March 12, 2021

There I was, minding my own business.

Two grandchildren, Eric and Sadie, belonging to Son Devin and Daughter-In-Law Christy, were spending a Saturday night over at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. We have a small two-bedroom dwelling, and the spare bedroom is our office. Therefore, cots have to be set up in the living-room for guest sleeping accommodations.

The kids wanted to watch one of those adult-unbearable kid movies, something I attempt to tolerate, but usually retreat to the sanctity and sanity of my bedroom.

Wife Patti is always willing to spend as many moments with grandkids as possible. Me, I was particularly tired this Saturday night and was ready for bed by 8:15 p.m. Wife Patti picked a  kid’s movie and sat in her chair, while the children laid in their cots to enjoy the time and movie.

I was fast asleep when the cry for help was belted out. Perhaps wolves had invaded the house and dragged the children away? Perhaps an errant meteor had crashed through the roof and buried the kids.?

Regardless of multi-possible scenarios, I was rudely awakened by Wife Patti’s screams. Dazed and somewhat confused I rushed down the hallway to the living room.

No meteor strike or wolves were found. Instead, gushing hot water from the living room powder room met my fate. It seems the hot water connection to the sink became...un-attached and hot water was spewing all over.

Dazed, but somewhat still in control I met the disaster head on. Hot water dousing the room squirting in every direction quickly wetted this pajama- wearing hero. I grabbed the hose and reality as Wife Patti brought buckets to the scene.

Quickly filling hot water and continually dumping them into the sink was only a temporary fix. I knew I had to somehow get under the cabinet sink in the VERY small, tight room and reattach the hose connection. I quickly looked for the water turn-off, but my hands were too big to pass through the hole at the back of the cabinet.

My next move was sheer bravery. With my feet straddling the toilet, I lay on my back, inside the small cabinet and attempted to reattach the hose. Meanwhile hot water was gushing onto my face. I was about to drown, or at least admit past sins, as I was self-waterboarding.

I yelled to Wife Patti...Call Devin, I need help...glurb.

As we continued to empty rotating buckets of hot water into the sink, wipe up the floor and entrance into the powder room, it seemed like at eternity passed.

About 10 minutes later Son Devin and his Wife Christy (who had only just left the kids) arrived. “GO shut off the water downstairs,”, I bloated out. Moments later, Devin admitted the old basement water system was too confusing with myriad turn-offs.

This is when Christy jumped into action. Her small hands found the powder room water shut off under the cabinet.

Dev then was able to reconnect the line and bemoan the water atrocity. We finished the clean-up and life returned to normal. Meanwhile, the grandchildren were still affixed to the movie and a very soaked, pajama wearing grandpa dried off.

We were all grateful that the stupid hose had not disconnected after the stupid movie and Wife Patti had retreated for the night.

Son Devin blamed me for the fiasco, since I installed the cabinet and sink four years ago. Therefore, the whole mess and our disturbing “their quiet night without their kids” was all my fault. I was too tired to argue about a hose working itself loose and turning my face to a beat red under hot water. I just wanted to go back to bed, my mind spinning on just how the stupid connection unscrewed.

At least, if ever kidnapped by terrorists, I am completely prepared for waterboarding and torture.

Did I mention it was VERY  HOT water!

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