I am a relatively smart person. Ok, maybe not “didn’t go to summer school” smart, but by my own barometer based solely on my personal opinion.

So why would an otherwise smart (and humble) man such as myself do very dumb things?

Shouldn’t I be intelligent enough to realize something is very dumb and rise above it? Shouldn’t the knowledge alone that something is bad be enough to deter even an average person from doing it?

I’m not talking about an oppsie daisy situation here. This is life changing dumb behavior. Decades long poor decision making that plagues me to this very day.

Brace yourself because I, in spite of all my self proclaimed smarts and self awareness, am a smoker.

I know. Believe me. I know.

Probably one of the dumbest and most self destructive things a person could do. An absolute idiotic, disgusting and expensive habit that I love and enjoy and currently have no plan of giving up.

To be fair, I’ve never really tried either. Friends and acquaintances have recounted their roller coaster relationship with quitting. The only ones that were truly successful were the ones who simply decided to stop. No amount of outside pressure or first-hand knowledge of the dangers moved the needle. It was their own decision that it was time and that they’d had enough.

Sometimes I think that if life would just slow down, I’d probably be able to just drop the habit, but deep down I know that’s not the issue. Smoking is a choice, albeit one that is purposely addictive, but with so many resources to help people quit, it’s almost willful disobedience at this point.

I have watched people who have smoked their entire lives give it up on the first try. I’ve also seen people struggle with a habit that has become so ingrained into their daily lives that quitting feels like they’re losing a part of themselves. There are also folks who can just have a few here and there like it’s nothing. 

I’m fascinated by human nature and every smoker has their own reasons for starting and quitting. Maybe they had a friend or family member pass and that was the last straw. Perhaps the massive NYS tax was enough to stop them. I can tell you most people I know who successfully quit weren’t fully deterred by either.

Like most things in life, the act of smoking is a choice you make every day. Each cigarette is a chance to reflect on your decision. It’s also often an escape from everything else weighing on your mind.

I salute anyone who has come out the other side, especially the ones who did it on their own terms. I’m just not there yet.

I often think it will come to me like an epiphany, but here I am writing a column about how stupid it is while sitting outside having my second cigarette of the morning. 

I take a long drag as I ponder how to end this column in a way that shows I’m aware of my stupidity but that I’m also smart enough to recognize it.

The words escape me and I extinguish the cigarette and tell myself I’ll figure it out later.

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In an unrelated note, I’m looking to add a "Fire & EMS" section to the paper that highlights the work of our emergency service personnel across the County.

Last week I ran a story on the need for new volunteers and was fortunate enough to speak with several dedicated individuals who were passionate about the work they do and the people who stand beside them. While I’m not ready to jump on a truck, I’m certainly willing to spotlight the folks who do so day in and day out.

If you are a member of a local department or know of someone who deserves a little recognition, drop me an e-mail at dholdraker@waynetimes.com.