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My Wife, she up n’ left me

by Ron Holdraker
June 15, 2024

 Yes folks, Wife Patti is not all sugar and spice. Two times a year she ignores my desires and just leaves me, stranded, alone, frightened.

Anyone who knows anything about me realizes I am a homebody. Give me my dogs, gardens, internet and television and simply leave me alone.

I hate vacations, and after 50 years together Wife Patti realizes this. At least twice annually she takes off on weekend excursions. This year she made early plans to visit her friend Myrna in Florida for two and a half days. She has another plan in August to take several grandchildren and daughter-in-laws to New York City for adventures and a Broadway play.

Just before she left for Florida on Saturday morning, she quipped about possibly staying Saturday until Tuesday. Thank goodness that never materialized.

Needless to say, all his leaves me in a lurch. Not only must I do my own chores, but the added burden of all of Prissy Patti’s tasks in her absence

Jobs like emptying kitty poo-poo, folding and putting away clothes I have washed, and preparing all meals - must be adopted. I am responsible for feeding all dogs and cats, letting them outside multiple times and remembering to let them back in. It is all overwhelming to say the least.

I really dislike folding clothes and storage and for days after her return she is still searching for underwear since I never know where to stuff that stuff.

Then, there was getting fitted sheets to cooperate on a king-size bed. No one ever should have to deal with that.

Cooking turns into sandwiches and leftover microwave meals, while I over-eat any snacks left about to drown my miseries.

TV watching is disrupted since she frowns on me watching favorite shows and series without her. I then search and search for TV shows I would never view if she only stayed home.

I am warned to never "over-do-it" since her absence makes me want to tackle huge projects that I would otherwise never attempt on my own.

This is noted by remaining family and friends, ever since a trip  to New York City she took many years ago that was interupted by calls that I may have "over-done-it" and ended up in the hospital.

I have to remember to take all my medications, disperse animal pills and meanwhile work on the next week’s paper.

No folks, it is not as easy as it may seem. Those two and a half days are pure hell. Deciding whether to go to bed, or just fall asleep in my recliner is a huge decision/indecision.

No, the dogs’ teeth do NOT GET BRUSHED while she is absent. Not only is she astute at the nightly maneuver, but the dogs resent any attempts by me and they give me the "are you kidding" look at any such attempt.

Looking for those things you need that only she knows their location is beyond frustration.

Then there are the calls home. "I’m having a really great time", as I stifle my fears, nearing tears.

This trips of hers reminds me of past and present anxieties and frighten me. What if a plane crashed? What if she is eaten by some rogue Florida alligator who develops gastronomic distress along with my worries?

Who is going to pay the bills? Where and what insurance do we have? I don’t know all the numbers/contacts to call to make this life, this business, keep going.

This past weekend there was a Saturday morning newspaper delivery problem. This necessitated a call to the trucking company. Nowhere, absolutely nowhere could I find the company’s number. Luckily, the truck pulled in as I frantically searched the office for said number. Emergency averted in the nick of time.

All the pressure, all the unneeded anxiety, just because Wife Patti wants to get way from the 24/7 pressure of putting out a weekly paper two weekends per year.

Oh, may I add there will be a third weekend this year that includes me, the sons, the daughter-in-laws, all heading to some spa for a retreat. I got out of it last year, but no such luck this summer 

Who know who/how the dogs’ teeth will get brushed?

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