In pediatric practice we see all types of parents and most do a good job with the sometimes difficult task of raising their children. The ones who do the best are those that teach their children resilience. Resilience is not a talent children are born with but it can be taught and developed in any child. In fact, I believe there is no more important personal attribute than resiliency, because bad things happen to good kids all of the time.

Resilience is about learning to bounce back from adversity. It’s a learned skill set that can equip children to land on their feet and recover from disappointment, loss, and all sorts of adversity. It’s the ability needed to cope with the many trials they will most certainly face in life. Terrorism, drugs, alcoholism, poverty and job loss, violence and the stress of daily life are not likely to get better, and the tools we acquire to cope will with these become valuable and useful.

What are those tools? They are usually right in front of us all the time; keeping  close relationships with family and friends, taking care of ourselves, accepting that change is part of life, setting reasonable goals, keeping hopeful, and keeping it all in perspective. The selection of the best approach for each adversity is part of self-discovery, another tool in developing resiliency. The growth of personal resiliency is individual and the key is helping each child to discover what works well and encouraging them to have the confidence to try it on for size.  

An example of how we build resiliency would be our coaching a child in the discovery of skills needed for dealing with a bully. We know that bullying is an aggressive, unwanted, repetitive attempt to take power from, and be hurtful to another. Usually the bully has a low self-esteem and is a bully because they are lonely or sad or bullied at home. They usually have problems that they do not know how to fix-so they resort to aggression.  These coaching skills for dealing with a bully are individualized. We advise teaching a number of potential responses to build resilience in the child. Which skill selected is not as important as just the reassurance that child has someone in their corner taking the time to teach it. The beauty and the art of building resilience is that any trusting adult or caring older sibling can teach it.

To cope with a bully we suggest; they shrug it off, or “just walk away Jose,” or tell the bully to stop in a calm cool way. Bullies want to see an emotional reaction from their victim…so, don’t give it them. Instead tell children to act confident or even to practice at home looking the aggressor in the eye and in turn that will help your child feel confident. We always insist that children not keep it a secret but share it with a parent or a trusted adult. The signs of bullying are often subtle and difficult to see in loud cafeteria during a busy school day. Unchecked bully activity does tend to escalate. 

Giving children coping skills for dealing with bullies is just small example of teaching resiliency, it’s not rocket science and the methods of teaching resiliency are similar regardless of situation; coping with a death in family, a divorce, any major life event and recovery. It is basic and primary “emotional security” training, something that we will all need in life.  For further reading I would suggest this book: Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings, by Kenneth Ginsburg, MD, MS Ed, FAAP.

Michael Jordan, MD, MS-HQSM, CPE, FAAP, Chief of Pediatrics at Newark-Wayne Community Hospital is board-certified in Pediatric Medicine. He attended the College of Human Medicine at Michigan State University and completed his residency training at the University of Rochester. In addition to his leadership role as chief of Pediatrics at Newark-Wayne, he is the medical director of Rochester Regional Medical Group and is also chair of Rochester General Medical Group’s Quality Committee. He works in the Sodus Rochester General Medical Group Pediatric office. To send questions on children’s health, please email Wendy Fisher, Pediatric Practice Manager at wendy.fisher@rochestergeneral.org and write “Ask a Doc” in the subject line. To schedule an appointment, call 315- 483-3214.