My wife left me

It all began five months ago. Wife Patti saw one of those Public TV Viking Cruise commercials. A long ship traveling down the rivers of Europe in luxury, visiting ancient ruins, eating fantastic meals, visiting sites and marvels of Europe and its people. 

"Let’s go," she exclaimed. I don’t wanna," was my quick reply. "Why not? " she queried. "Cuz I can sit in my recliner, watch the History and Travel stations and see it all," I murmured. I added that there was also our weekly newspaper responsibility, but she quickly brushed that off. "Devin and Christie (son and daughter-in-law and the only other two full-time employees at the Times) can handle it," she exclaimed.

She was not to be denied. She immediately went online, found a river cruise down the Rhone River in France. The journey would start with a flight to Paris, shuffled off  in a two hour trip to some port to board the ship.

Of course, to pay for her trip it would be necessary to tap into my prized early-buy Apple stock that I told her was for the grandchildren’s future, but alas, she had no qualms about denying her own grandchildren for such a trip. She quickly found Sharon, a friend she met through her Rotary connections. She is married to a husband with similar desires as me.

The clock ticked quickly as she reminded me of every passing month, then weeks, then the day countdown began.

While she was boarding a plane to Atlanta, then on to Paris, I was covering the County meeting in her place. She had prepared her pages in advance and had instructed Christie on any ins and outs of what she does. France is six hours ahead, so she timed her phone call for times she knew I would be hard working doing all her job as well as mine. That included brushing the three dogs’ teeth, something I was unprepared for and they objected to. I also adopted cleaning out the daily(?) kitty poo-poo box.

The week trudged along with calls from France telling me about Roman ruins and French villages and touristy things."Yeah, I repeated, I’ve seen it all on the random Travel stations." She marvelled about the wines and extensive walking, sore feet and cooking lessons along the way. I was silent, working to fill in for her absence, taking it like the true humble mate that I am.  

Luckily, it was decided that the business phone calls would all be switched over to Christie. Why, you ask? Mainly because I have no idea what most of the calls are about, that, and I really try to avoid contact with the outside world as much as possible. Believe it, or not, I am not a people person. Necessity made me get into one of our vehicles and actually go to the store for some supplies. My daily duties of sorting out the 200 plus e-mails per day was gruelling. Instead of just sending the pertinent ones to either Wife Patti, or Daughter-in-law Christie, I had to handle many of them myself. I figure a family knighthood, sainthood, or medal would surely be in the future for my endeavors.

The days went by and my countdown to when she would arrive home proceeded. By the time you have read this, she has arrived home. I know what is coming. Days, if not weeks of her travel experiences and nuances, many will be told and retold and remolded into the trip of a lifetime. By the way, she discovered she can’t find her cell phone and purse. Who do you begin calling--The French Lost & Found? She found it later on a sidewalk outside.

She also came back with a nasty French cold. She already intends on more trips including dragging me along. I will undoubtedly object, but plan on submitting to far off places like Rochester, or perhaps Buffalo. She has other plans. As for the Apple stock? Sorry, sweet grandchildren, Grandma has other plans swirling in her brain.

*****

Next week I have every intention of getting back to criticizing the current administration and his blind, dumb supporters. Yes, he has shown the world that history repeats itself and sometimes it gets worse. 

There, I have written this week’s column and included a swipe at Trump, making anti-Trumpers happy and further infuriating the mindless Red Hat moron idiots.